filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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