guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't deserve a penis
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
