im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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