Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
