As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
