Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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