Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
