Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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