You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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