Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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