If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
