You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
