It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
