I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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