Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
