I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize