david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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