My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
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