Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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