News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When did we convert life to cartoon?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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