If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You pole danced in your parka.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
