What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
The ass gains better be worth it
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