he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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