i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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