You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
