Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize