please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
