Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Randomize
