no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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