Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i permit you to call me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
