My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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