Don't make out with my wife yet
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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