Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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