last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
