Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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