I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Randomize
