cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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