just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
