Just cropdusted the office
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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