There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
