the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
