Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
