we have pet lesbian snakes
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
