never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
