he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
