How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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