sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
