I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
