Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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