I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Randomize
