how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
