i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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