um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Say something about gay babies.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize