I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We have started to decorate penises.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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