Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
