Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
