What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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