Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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