but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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